Lately, I have been thinking a lot about being alone, loneliness, being together and being connected. I have taken a peek into that big hole that lives within my soul. A hole that used to feel black, but now has been filled with light that sparkles in silver. With this hole, I have lived all my life and I connect it very strongly to loneliness, being an outsider, to a feeling that something is missing, someone is missing. Some people say that this hole will be filled when I die, return home and connect again with my soul-family. I would still like to think that I could meet my soul-family already in this human life and that together we could build a home here on earth.
Without really noticing I have walked through life looking for connections. People, with whom I feel that we are the same. People whom I meet and when we are together the whole world seems to be in complete balance. I have met soul brothers and -sisters, humans with whom I have shared an immense connection and love. People, who still have decided to continue their lives without me or our soul-family. People, who have chosen their birth family, because that is what our customs and cultures today demand. These are difficult things for me to understand and accept. How can anyone choose away such a big connection, how can anyone choose not to stay in oneness?
Instead of looking for answers I started looking for that home and soul-family within me. In me is everything, I am enough. I followed my inner guidance and found the biggest love within me. A love that purified the black hole and made it into a sparkling lightball. And this light filled my being in a way that made me stop demanding or forcing connections. I let this world continue at its own pace, trusting that my light is enough.
I learned to accept that the human in us and our soul do not always work hand in hand. Sometimes the human creates rules and barriers that limit the connection to a higher consciousness, that limit oneself. And this is something to be accepted. We all walk our own paths, with our own challenges. Facing the world from the level of consciousness in which we in every moment are. You cannot force anyone to open up, we all move forward in our own rhythm.
Yet sometimes impatience lifts its head and I see myself wishing that people would walk at the same pace as me. That they would already be on the same wavelength, as open as I am. In the same spot, on the same journey. I wish, and wonder will I ever meet my soul-family in this time. I wonder, and I let go. I let my lightball shine and dive deep into it. Sometimes, something reminds me of its existence.
I flew to Barcelona to meet with my Sun. I stayed with his family and I was welcomed with open arms into their home. Dazed and confused I observed both myself and my surroundings. A surprising sorrow lifted its head in me even though my surroundings were filled with connection and togetherness. Their walls were decorated with pictures from travels, their shelves were filled with memories and with every step, I saw the history of this family, their story of growth. Their being together was slow, allowing and natural. Their family reminded me of what it is like to be together when there is no time limit. When you are not trying to fit years into a few days.
I was confused about these feelings, these realizations. I was wondering when did I choose such a lonely life; when did I choose to leave my own family in Finland and aim for the world, or did I choose at all? Is this just my way of life, my path to walk? I looked back and remembered the connections and families I through the years had the opportunity to meet and create. I look at this moment and wonder where all that has gone.
I look at myself and the life I have created to myself. The absolute freedom, the ability to at any moment fly from one place to the other. Strength to let go and energy to time after time create new. I would not change any of my experiences, I have enjoyed everything I have had the opportunity to experience. But, a question emerges in my head: How would my life look in one place? Is it already time to stop, to create a physical point of reference, that can function as a home for the light-network which I gather around myself. Could I give time for a quiet and unconditional togetherness and in peace see what it brings along with it?
With these questions in my mind and with the new seed planted in my soul I look at the map and wonder where we will grow our roots, where is space for our forest?