When pain forces you to stop

Slowly and without noticing expectations are creeping into my mind, impatience in my soul. I can so clearly see what could be, what maybe someday is. I can so clearly feel what I want, to what my soul vibrates, how my dream life looks. And I cannot understand why I am here when my soul is already wildly running there.

Slowly and without noticing I planted the seed of expectation within me and every day I fed it with my dreams, wishes and demands. This seed grew with haste into an overflowing plant, so big that I could not see reality from behind it. I could not see this moment from the shadow of the future.

My expectations and demands toward the world grew so big that I felt myself suffocate in this moment, this life. Everything felt wrong, nothing matched my vision of how things should be. I felt physically sick for not living life as I was supposed to. I thought feeling sick was a sign, a sign telling me to change something. I have to let go of something to be able to find balance again. Thrown into the depths of my mind I imagined that this meant letting go of everything in this moment, saying goodbye to my life as it is.

I demanded impossible things from myself, perfection and functioning in every moment. I demanded peace and synchrony even though there was a fire within me. A fire to do, create, change. A fire to which I could not find a match for in my surroundings. A fire that burnt me hollow, a fire that made disappear like smoke in the air.

My wisest body stopped me. With a pain that I had never felt. A pain that forced me to stop, since every step forward physically hurt. The pain throbbed in my body and instead of turning to love I tried to understand what is wrong with me. What have I done wrong? I blamed myself for not making my dreams reality, I blamed myself for the behaviour of others. I made myself believe that there was something wrong with me because nothing moved forward.

The physical pain forced me to stop. I curled up on the floor in a position that allowed me to breathe freely, and I was breathing. Breathing into the pain, sending it love and energy. I noticed how I was blaming myself for not being able to cure myself in five minutes. And I breathed some more.

I was breathing and felt something within me move, release. I was breathing, focusing on the airflow in my body. Slowly the shadows that covered the present moment started to fade and I was able to see this moment. Reality lifted its head. For two days I was lying on the floor and breathing, getting used to living and being in this moment. Breathing is such an amazing tool that brings us back to the present moment.

I felt all the bad and pain run out of me. I greeted the love and peace within me, I hugged them. I hugged myself and gave myself space to be. Only to be. Drink tea, go for walks, lie in bed and read a good book. I let myself get excited about small everyday things; cleaning, cooking, showering and stretching. I let the future and my dreams be. I still have them, I still wish to live my dreams, but I am not in a hurry. First I have to go from one spot to the other. First I have to live this moment.

I hug myself and allow myself, allow that I am not always able to be present. I send love to myself and the powerful creature that aimed to live through change with such haste. Sometimes our lives change so radically that we lose touch to the present moment. We lose touch to what is now because we did not have time to internalize what just changed. And sometimes this new reality is so painful that we gladly jump forward, trying to create some sort of balance between the past and the lost.

Accepting the new is always its own process, sometimes it is easier, sometimes harder. No matter how painful it is, it is important to stop at this moment, to stop at yourself. To see what all is good in one’s own life right now, it is important to give space to oneself, to find love towards oneself. Love and compassion towards you, who so much try to protect and help you, no matter what the cost.

When you feel that this moment is out of reach and find your thoughts on an adventure either in the past or the future, stop. Take a step back and let go of everything you are carrying. Stop and breathe. Dive into the breathing, air flowing in you and from you. Ground yourself to this moment and notice that you are alive. Here and now, you live and breathe. Your life is here and now, not in tomorrow, not in yesterday. Here. Find this moment and find love towards yourself and life. Compassion that allows everything without expectations or demands. Breathe. You are here. You are alive.

Dare to be present. Even if sometimes you feel unsure and fumbling, notice the peace in this moment. Trust. Security. They are all here and now, in you and your heart. Surrender to them, lean into them. Surrender to yourself and life. Surrender to breathing and this moment.

Love,
Ida

 

 

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