Trusting the change

I packed my notebook, pens and laptop into an already worn bag and headed into the city. My thought was to go to a café and write, but I ended up sitting on a bench by the cathedral, in the fresh air. On a bench where I have sat several times before. In a place that is filled with countless memories. I understood how much I missed the people whom a moment ago were here with me, getting coffee on Sundays, leaning into the cathedral wall, enjoying the sun. Enjoying the time together.

Moving to Lund at the beginning of the year brought me a family and together we made this city into a home. Now this family is spread around Europe, each one going on with their lives. I stayed here with my studies and have slowly come to realize how little meaning a place has and how much the people in my life matter. This incredibly beautiful city with its gorgeous nature and majestical buildings does not feel like home anymore. Within me, I once again hear the call to someplace new. This city now feels like a reflection of its former glory. My momentary family is gone and so is what I came here to do, create and experience.

I can hear music floating out of the cathedral and the sun still feels warm. I am trying to hold my tears while wondering what now. I am trying to say goodbye to what was and to step forward, but the goodbyes seem to still keep me here. In this momentary grief, change, release. I smile to the memories, my heart fills with warmth when I think of all that we have experienced together. Wistfully I look at my surroundings and try to get used to this new reality. Slowly, step by step, letting myself grieve for as long as it is needed.

In the midst of grief and confusion, I also feel a wonderful security, warmth and excitement within me. I felt the same when I moved to Lund; as if I will meet something very important. As if I would experience something that will carry me far and beyond. And what all I met and experienced! Such great love.

This time I live with this feeling in my chest without a clue of where I am going, if anywhere. I only feel a need to move, but I do not know in which form this movement will emerge. All I know is that no matter how difficult things feel at this moment, something good is coming. Something that I need in my life. This something is still taking form and now I am here, sitting in peace. Remembering what was, saying goodbye to what has been and trusting that this change too will carry into something good. I trust the warmth in my chest and at the same time, I let myself grieve, without apologies. In my own pace, listening to myself.

With love,
Ida

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